GRANDMA PASSED AWAY

I received my mum sms last night around 9.30pm (10.30pm in Malaysia) that my grandma (father's side) has passed away last night around 9.30pm Malaysia time.

Then I called her straight away using my Vietnam mobile and she told me what has happened to my grandma. I was supposed to feel sad because I have lost a family member. Unfortunately, I don't...

That is what troubled me now. Am I cold hearted?

I tried to recall back my memories with her but I couldn't think of any. The most vivid memory that I have about her is, I went to her house (or also my 'Ah Pak' house) to spend my saturday with my cousins and she would tell us not to go too far away from the house.

Then I still have some memories when she stayed with us at our mile 4 (Bandar Kim Fung) old house and she always stayed at home during her stay with us. We tried to bring her out to supermarkets and for meals, but she always refused.

And of course, I still remember that she doesn't love me that much compare to my cousin brother and sister because I don't stay with her and also because I am a girl. As you know, the old generation always like to have sons or grandsons. They thought that having daughters or granddaughters are just a waste of time. As we can't carry on the family names with us...

I still remember that she always compare my examination results with my cousin bro and sis and my results were the worst among the three.

Yeah..not a very good memories...and I keep on telling myself, she is no longer with us and I should let go of all these bad and hurtful memories.

Let bygones be bygones.

No, I am not going to fly back to Sandakan for the funeral, not because I don't have any good memories with her but because, it will take me at least 2 days to fly back.

Yeah, I know...all these are just an excuse for not willing to fly home. I tried to imagine if my grandparents (mother'side and touch wood) passed away, I am sure that I will be flying home straight away..no matter how much do I need to pay for the tickets and also to use up all my home leave days...

That's why I am struggling...am I cold-hearted? I am suppose to feel sad and bad but I am not..
And the only thing I can do for her is, pray for her soul to be rest in peace..And I hope to see her in heaven when my turn to be with the Father has arrived...